As I stood on the top of that mountain, in the midst of the most remarkable spiritual experience of my life, I cried.
My tears washed away the guilt, shame, and self-doubt of my past as I watched the sky turn from fiery blazing red to orange then yellow.
I am not a religious person, but I have become deeply spiritually connected as I have walked through some dark forests and met rocky paths into the deepest trenches. It wasn’t until I turned my will over to God (Higher Power, Jesus, the Spirit, Mother Nature, or whatever you believe) and began showing constant gratitude for the gifts all around me, that I was able to develop a deep faith – a faith that has turned my life around for the best and a critical part of my choice to find happiness.
As I saw the sun beginning to crest the mountains, my soul told me to stop and wander into the desert. I climbed to the top of a ridge, in the middle of nowhere, and meditate. What unfolded was an awesome adventure that drove me deeper into my growing faith and has allowed my spirit to fly free of heavy baggage.
Even after all the work I have done, towards the path of self-love and happiness, there was still a dark blight on my soul. A touch of shame, guilt, and doubt trailed with my shadow. It caused me to under value myself, doubt my worthiness, and feel insecure about my choices. Although, against the advice of friends and family, my new-found faith kept me on the path that I felt that I belonged. Yes, I fell a few times. Yes, I stumbled. I made some bad choices and took (what I believed) was the easier path to avoid the hard climb of dealing with self. But, for the most part, I was learning from these challenges and no longer fell to the bottom of the mountain. I simply brushed myself and continued from where I fell.
But, on this mountain top – after a short meditation – I looked up at the fire in the sky. I felt more connected to Mother Nature than ever – the energy of my Higher Power running through everything. I usually say the same prayer; showing gratitude for my life and asking for my friends and family to find happiness. This time, in a place of sincere deep humility,
I asked for forgiveness.
I asked for forgiveness for the times that I was lost in my bad behaviors. I asked for forgiveness for not having faith. I asked for forgiveness for trying to end my life.
What happened was a new thought – not my usual negative thought pattern – a thought floated into my mind that I didn’t need to do that. I didn’t need to ask for forgiveness for those things, as I was on the right path. I was facing my challenges and helping others through my failures. That was enough. It was time to let go of the shame and guilt and move forward.
I don’t know if that thought was from the divine Spirit or just a mix of the research and reading, I’ve done, on shame and recover that finally spun together in my brain – or both – but I laid back, watched the fire wash out of the sky as the yellow and orange washed in. I felt the warm rays of light on my face, and let the tears wash away the weight of my shame and guilt.
I felt a peace wash over me and my confidence in my abilities rise to an all time high. I no longer feel the need to hide the gifts that I’ve been given, but use them as a conduit to do good.
As I smile each morning, excited about projects on the books, I now tell myself: It’s time let go of the past. Let go of failures. It’s time to move forward, now.