I must be aware of my own feelings, the way I watch the weather.

I

caught the first signs of a depression moving in. Just a cycle of my bipolar, like the seasons rolling in and out.

Battling depression or mood swings is a similar thing, to being aware of the seasons and weather. If I am watching the reports, grateful of my family and friends giving me a heads up, and staying aware… then I know a cold front is coming in and the weather is changing. If I know, then I can do some things: dress warm, have emergency supplies ready to go, and be prepared instead of stepping out into the unknown. I might still feel the chill of the air, but with a little work up front I can be sure to keep the cold from making my hands ache and getting chilled to the bone.

Moving beyond the stormy weather.

As the storms, here, clear… I looked out over the mountains and just felt the sun warming my face. The air was so sweet. There is a calm cool breeze… as compared to the hammering, yesterday, that ripped pieces of siding off the place. Serene silence replacing the unrelenting howl and pounding rain.

Mother Nature is capable of unleashing beastly amounts of power that can destroy and wipe a landscape down to nothing. Yet, here she is, offering me a world of peace, warmth, and serenity. As if to say:

“I’m sorry that you had to witness and push through such turbulence, but I had to do my thing to keep my earth healthy and balanced. Thank you for your patience, understanding, preserverance, and unconditional love; we will have some amazing days ahead.” 🌄🌎❤

A reflection of my personal message to my family and friends, after I go through stormy periods in my own life.

As I stay connected – the fog quickly clears and I am filled with thanks and gratitude.

There was a time, when a depression cycle hit, that I would hide from friends and family. I would disconnect and isolate. I would let the darkness take hold, and burry myself into a sadness and pain that lasted for weeks.

I was alone in the desert when it hit. I was beginning on a project that I found SO EXCITING! But the blueprint, in my head, disappeared completely. I couldn’t get any of the electronics to work. I couldn’t accomplish anything. Growing in frustration – I knew where this path would lead.

Instead I surrounded myself with people who have become like family. Understanding of my illness, and that this is taking 3 times as long as it should, Ms. Cindy has helped me where I got stuck in simple places. Given me space to collect myself when I’ve needed it. Supported my healing with natural remedies and support. I pushed through, but not alone. I received support from my mother, friends, and @yonasdebesai. I can’t live healthy and stay centered without a support network. Even kind messages from friends on social media, that I have never met. I am so thankful to them and the faith that has been growing within me. Thank you all.

Today the fog is lifting. The aches are leaving my body. I can listen to music and let my soul sing. I can create again. I feel connected again.

As the tide rolls it, I only let me feet touch the water and keep walking.

The difference within me will never cease to amaze me. Depressions used to full blown stop and take control of my life. I don’t allow that anymore, but when they do come to visit, I am astonished at the changes.

Easy tasks seem daunting. My creative mind shifts from creating and problem solving to writing. My mind almost shuts down. I am constantly exhausted. I ache all over. Hours disappear with little results. I don’t find joy in much of anything. I want to isolate and I have no desire to talk to anyone.

That is okay. I know this is temporary. I push forward with a realistic set of expectations. I used to get quite upset with myself and shame myself for not being able get things done. Now I have learned to accept that I have different skill sets when different moods roll in and out – and adjust my to do lists. Or just veg and relax a few hours. 🙂

My mood disorder is part of who I am. I let my guard down this time, as I had a lot of changes and triggers going on. I’ll learn and push forward. 🙂

#bipolar #bipolardisorder #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillness #depression #healthylifestyle #pushforward #speakthetruth

Fighting a war, winning battles. My new workshop is a big win. 🙂

We all are fighting a war of some kind. Our own battles are the hardest we have had to fight. So my failures, wins, pain, and joy can’t be compared to others. But, we can unite through being open about where we have been and what we have done to win our individual battles.

Those who know me, know that I’ve made a choice to be happy. I am at war with my past, my unhealthy cycles, my mental disorder, my fears, and my addiction. But today, I win more battles than ever and stay trained – so I’m not caught off guard.

Part of that is exploring myself, and I’ve found that I have some amazing abilities. We all do. Mine have led me to a point where I need a place to find peace, be able to create, and work.

I am so excited that I have found such a spot.

I’m equally excited that you are all here with me. We are never alone and if you feel stuck, you can make it through. It can be hard work at times, but happiness is there to be found.

My first interview, on DevTalks – it was a great experience.

I had my first interview. A chance to tell parts of my story that led me into life challenges and ultimately to building my path to hope and happiness.

The entire episode is fantastic. My part starts at just after 27 minutes. Check it out, and don’t forget to support Dev’s show with a “like” or a comment.

I had so much fun before, after, and during the interview. A few times, I said,”I wish we were recording THIS!” As I giggled uncontrollably.

Thanks Dev for an amazing experience and putting my story out there. It was an honor and privilege.

https://www.spreaker.com/user/officialtdr/dev-talks-ep1

Tools in the toolbag: when the storm blows in with dark clouds of depression.

I have a severe down cycle trying to push in. I won’t say “depressive episode” because I refuse to give it that much power.

I am pulling all the tools out of my toolbag, and am managing my mood pretty well.

My body aches from it. The energy has been zapped out. I haven’t had a desire to work on my creative projects, the last few days. I snooze my alarm, that is on the other side of the room, for an hour or so. My mind wants to shut down. My fuel tank is empty, my alternator fried, the battery is dead, and my gauges are all flashing at me.

This is a positive post, I promise. 😂😂

I’m not shoving down on the gas peddle and forcing the last few miles out of my tank. Instead, I’m slowing the speed and gliding until this passes, and I reach a fuel station.

I won’t allow the negative thought pattern to continue telling me that everything is overwhelming. I stop it dead and replace it with my gratitude list. My family, my friends, Mother Nature, the things I love about myself. I stop when I need a break and take a moment to meditate or just be in the moment and feel the breeze. I don’t think about all thing I need to do. Just what I need to accomplish NOW, and how easily I can push through it.

I think about this: What is my permanent foundation. What won’t change? My self-love, my skills, my abilities – they will all be fresh and renewed again. My ability to center myself and my happiness – nothing on earth can take that away. What is temporary? The anxiety that tries to creep up. Sence of overwhelmingness. Irritability. Exhaustion. These things are temporary. They will pass. ☺

Then, I visualize these things – this negative energy. I recognize them. Talk to them. “you can stay, for now. I allow it. But you won’t take my power away and you won’t rule me.” They subside.

When I feel weak, I tell myself that I am not weak. I am strong, and I lift or carry what needs carried.

I don’t stop moving. I may be moving slow, but I don’t give into it.

I know, that in a few days, this will pass.

If you have to fight battles, like this, I would love to hear how you battle them. What works for you?